I went back and forth trying to decide if I should post this one or not.  I'm not really sure why I finally want to three months later... I guess it's because I'm doing better with it now and I want it recorded as part of my life, although forgive the lack of title.  I just couldn't think of the right one.
As many of you know, I was pregnant... and I'm not anymore.  I was ten weeks along and started bleeding.  I went to the doctor for an ultrasound, and the baby had only developed to six weeks.  With the baby that small, we couldn't detect a heart beat.  The doctor told me there was a chance my dates were wrong, and that I was really only six weeks along.   Either that, or I was going to miscarry.   I knew my dates weren't off.  I was sent home and told to return in two weeks.  If the baby was still alive and growing at that point we would be able to hear the heart beat.  Hoping my dates were wrong, but really knowing they weren't, I went home and stayed in bed, praying for some resolve.  I wanted my baby, but in my heart I was pretty sure that I had already lost it.  So I stayed in bed, with my mind in the worst, most crazy place it could possibly be--- Limbo.
Finally, after three days, it happened.  I miscarried the baby.  I won't get into that.  I know many of you have had similar experiences and know how awful it is.  Not my best day.  However, I did felt an overwhelming sense of relief.  I could stop wondering what was going to happen and start to grieve.  I could also get out of bed and take care of my family, which I so wanted to do.  The Lord was truly with me.  I knew he had prepared me for this loss with the feelings of doubt I'd had before.   It sounds weird to say that -- they weren't welcome feelings, but after the fact, I was grateful for them because they prepared me for what would have otherwise been a completely unexpected and devastating blow.
I've since had another miscarriage, which came as a complete surprise because I didn't think I was pregnant in the first place.  Strangely, I don't feel worried... Well, that's not completely true...  The worrier in me can always be unleashed if I go there, but the smarter side of me, the side with trust in an all-knowing Heavenly Father, feels a sense of peace.  I know that everything will turn out as it should.  The Lord isn't withholding children from me because I can't handle it, or because I'm not ready.  (I struggled with those thoughts for a while.)  I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I still feel peace.  I do know that I have more children to come.  When and how they become a part of my family is yet to be discovered.  Hope you'll forgive me for getting so personal, but those of you that know me well know that's just the way I roll.  
Just like all times of trial in my life, I've felt an outpouring of love from friends, family, my Father in Heaven, and my Savior.  I've also gained a stronger testimony of the Lord's plan.  Best of all, my love for the family I have with me now has deepened immensely.  I can hardly look at my wonderful husband or two sweet kids, without feeling my heart begin to burst with love and gratitude.  I have been given so much.